what is it about wal-mart that stirs up thoughts of what a prison visit may be like?
tonight i decide to watch a movie (edward scissorhands). i put the movie in, watch a quick making-of featurette, while cleaning up after dinner. i'm getting ready to pop some popcorn when i realize i don't have any candy to put in the popcorn. this is a must, obviously. eating straight popcorn is like eating a handful of thick air...dipped in artificial butter. i start to ponder all the possibilites of what condiment i could purchase to enhance orville's best. i had reese's last time. i've done junior mints. yes! got it. peanut butter m&m's! if you haven't done it...strongly recommended. if you dump the m&m's in right after the corn is popped, the candy coating melts just enough so as soon as it touches your tongue, you are assaulted by a buttery, peanuty explosion of mind boggling proportions.
then, tragically, the m&m yacht traveling down peanut butter river crashes into a tall brick structure. i look up suddenly to find my boat shattered against large, poorly lit, white wall. i get out of the boat and slowly make my way towards the neon humming. "oh great," i think as i turn the corner. they built another wal-mart here!!
"all good dreams die at wal-mart." i heard or read this somewhere. may have been leviticus.
once i realized i had to drive to wal-mart, i just got depressed. i know that more than likely i'll have my hand on my wallet and pay extra special attention to what is going on in my periphery. i'm also planning on being insulted by at LEAST one person, more than likely an employee. i will feel outcast. i will feel like everyone is watching me. i may have a slight migrane followed by a brief stint of nausea as i first pass through the sliding doors into the 2340 watt fluorescent lighting. i know when the greeter says, "hello," he is actually saying in a christian bale-esque batman voice, "why are YOU here? YOU dare come in when I'M working. now i HAVE to say hello to you. YOU! because the economy bombed, i lost half my retirement and since this prison is the only place that has been sued 793 times for discrimination, they HAVE to hire me. I HATE YOU!"
i'm able to get passed him with only a few cuts and bruises. i make my way briskly by the register's while all the employees stare at me like i just punched all their grandmothers.
quick recommendation to all the wal-mart employees out there....well, one in particular. when one of customers buys a product, let's just say it's a movie, that you don't really like, let's say that movie is footloose, it's probably not the best idea to scoff at them and say, "you LIKE this?"
aaaaand moving along.
i get to the candy aisle. i b-line for the m&m's. ok, regular...peanut.....yes! peanut but...wait...what? strawberry peanut butter?? SICK. they actually make that. below the regular m&m's, i see a gap. no. this can't be. i gaze close at the tag. 'peanut butter m&m's.' gone. they are gone.
so, i went to go visit my crazy uncle in prison and i realized he's flown the coop. sweet. so, now all the guards and prisoners are closing in around me out of the shadows. i can hear the footsteps approaching.
i snag a bag of plain m&m's and a movie (national lampoon's vacation) and head towards the exit. i throw my things down on the counter while the inmates begin to lick their chops. fresh meat....
the cashier scans the movie, pauses for a moment and looks up at my terrified eyes. "what are...YOU...doooinng? (gulp) i think. yeah, i'm so scared, i did a mind gulp.
"are you over 17 so you can buy this movie?"
i stare back in awe.
"i'm 27."
"ok."
seriously?
at this point, i don't know which emotion has taken over. fear or confusion. perhaps a few helpings of each wisked together in the batter that was once my mind.
i exit quickly towards my car, parked in between wal-mart and cub, which could very well be the bermuda triangle of creepiness. i feel like I need a can of mace and a whistle...for the bears, or wolves, or dragons, or some crazy hybrid that's crawling out of the sewer.
i hop in my car, and dukes of hazzard it right the heck out of there.
well, i made it home safely.
once i take a shower, i'm going to enjoy the solace of a quiet evening at home....
until i realize i'm out of toothpaste...
