jeff goldblum knows best.

"scientists spent so much time thinking whether or not they could, they didn't stop to think if they should." - Dr. Ian Malcom, Jurassic Park

I DO agree with you. It is kinda unfortunate that one of my favorite quotes all of time (period, not just movies) comes from Jurassic Park, but it comes from The Fly himself, which I think yings the yang. Yep, I just verbed a symbol.

If you've been keeping up with past entries, you're already well aware of my disdain for all things technology. Another log for the fire? Sure, it was starting to look pretty bleak for me after getting a new tv, hooking up the surround sound system, and FINALLY crossing over to the digital age.

Digital. Take a seat. Stone. Welcome back. We've all missed you.

Here is said log on said fire.

About two months ago I noticed a light flash on in the console of my vehicle. It looked like a small boat out on the water with a dot in the middle. I was puzzled because, for those that don't know me, I don't drive a boat. You can plainly see my confusion.

I scanned through my manual and realized it was a flat tire indicator. I thought, "I have one of those!" (meaning the light and the flat tire). I checked all the tires and found the culprit. The left rear. I should have known!

I filled the tire and went on my way. A month later, the light comes on again. This time I think, "Strange coincidence that another tire would be going flat." Checked again. Curious. Left rear. Refill.

Two weeks later. It's raining when I got home from work. I get out of the not-a-boat and hear a strange hissing sound about two feet to my left. I look down expecting a king cobra. None to be found. I discover the sound is radiating from my tire (left rear).

I think, "I think I've got a flat," two months too late. Tire comes off. Examination.

HUGEST. NAIL. EVER.

I take the tire in and say, "I can't sail without this!!" Get it? From earlier...the boat....(sigh) That was said as an inside (my head) voice.

The tire is examined carefully and he says, "Sure! We can plug it." He gets the nail out, gets ready to plug and stops. "Oh, s---," he says. Not real professional, but I'm sure my tires been called worse. "This has a sensor."

"Yep," I replied. "Is that bad?"

He sighs heavily and explains the situation. Because the tire HAS a sensor, patching it may be a problem. Yeah, I was confused too. He said that even though the hole has been patched, there is a possibility the flat tire light may stay on. I didn't get it at all but kept nodding like a moron.

I said I didn't really care if the boat light was on as long as I knew the tire was fine.

He said the car is too advanced for me to pull a fast one like that. If the light stays on for so many miles, the engine won't start. If I'm driving the thing and it hits that magic mileage number, it will shut off.

The fix? Go back to the dealership so they can wire it up to their computer and reset the sensors. Free? Not a chance.

I have to pay to fix a feature I really don't care to have but the ship won't sail without it.

I miss the good ol' days where technology was figuring out which stick I was going to use to start a fire. Then the only thing I needed to concern myself with was tracking down the clown that decided a ship on the high seas was a good icon for a flat tire on a car.

something for nothing.

woke up this morning...late...again. it's been a long week. last night was my own dumb fault. todd came over and hooked up my surround sound system (thanks, todd) and then we watched the final 3 episodes of band of brothers. we started on the special features, but after about 10 minutes i realized if i let this go on any longer, i'd get sucked in and have to finish the whole thing and end up finding out about what steven spielberg had for lunch on day 16 of shooting episode 7. i thought i could go without that.

i woke up at 5:00 yesterday to work in ft. dodge. i told myself i couldn't stay up late that night or else i would pay for it today. well, ended up switching off B.O.B. at about 11:15. fell asleep around 12:15. up at 6:00 this morning. not exactly ideal for me. i need LOTS of sleep.

oh, don't get me wrong. i'll still be super cranky when i wake up, just more coherent.

i got ready in the dark like usual. i fear light in the morning. once i got my shoes and tie on i checked msn, as is the standard operating procedure. as i flipped open my laptop, i let a little "mmmmm" as i grimaced from the bright green light of my desktop. remember, this is my first experience with light in the morning.

when msn opens up, i see the headline, "obama wins nobel peace prize." i think, "uhhhh...what? am i still sleeping and dreaming about future time where obama has actually done.....anything?"

alas, i was not dreaming. i was parked in the neutral, lodged in the same ridiculous reality in which i'm always existing.

in case you were wondering, other awards that will be giving out in the next week:

lebron james wins the 2010 nba mvp award.

danny glover wins best supporting actor at the oscars for lethal weapon 5.

i get a huge raise and a trophy following 10 years of devoted service to the wolfe clinic.

how in the world does barack obama win a nobel peace prize???

well, let me lay out what it takes to win a nobel peace prize. here it is from mr. alfred nobel himself. he says the prize should go to, "the person who shall have done the most or the best work for fraternity between nations, for the abolition or reduction of standing armies and for the holding and promotion of peace congresses."

mr. president, what have you done? if you need a comedic view of your accomplishments, look no further than saturday night live. this aired last weekend.

http://www.hulu.com/watch/99945/saturday-night-live-obama-address

i'm not saying barack obama won't go down as a great president, he may very well go down as the best president. but at this point, he isn't. he hasn't done much of anything in office. to his defense, he's tried. he's tried to alter just about everything i've come to know from our government as long as i've been alive. does our country really need a total overall? yes, our economy has fallen apart, but it was bound to bounce back regardless of who was in office. it's cyclical...kind of like global warming (i'll save this thought for another time).

one other curious thing i discovered which makes this even more unbelievable...check that..not EVEN MORE...but completely unbelievable, guess when the guys that vote for prize have to have their votes turned in by.

februrary 1st.

why is that significant?

barack obama took office on january 20th.

is this laughable yet? maybe this will push you over the edge.

there has been several years where the committee has actually released a few of their finalists. something tells me from this list that we shouldn't put much, if any, stock in who actually wins:

adolf hitler, joseph stalin, benito mussolini.

whoops.

i'm starting to feel a little left out. you know, maybe i should start looking at this as a "glass half full" scenario. maybe I could win he nobel peace prize! you really don't need to actually accomplish anything. you just have to SAY you're going to accomplish something significant...and maybe act half serious while you do (the prize patrol and can see right through your lies). it's really no more difficult than that.

or maybe you could actually make an effort to make this world better. forget awards. forget all the press. forget the attention. be a servant. do what your called to do.

philippians 2: 3-4. do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit, but in humility consider others better than yourselves. each of you should look not only to your own interests, but also the the interests of others.

serve. serve. serve.

i'll close with some good ol' ghandi.

"the best way to find yourself is to lose yourself in the sevice of others."

by the way, ghandi never won the nobel peace prize.

sam walton's alcatraz

what is it about wal-mart that stirs up thoughts of what a prison visit may be like?

tonight i decide to watch a movie (edward scissorhands). i put the movie in, watch a quick making-of featurette, while cleaning up after dinner. i'm getting ready to pop some popcorn when i realize i don't have any candy to put in the popcorn. this is a must, obviously. eating straight popcorn is like eating a handful of thick air...dipped in artificial butter. i start to ponder all the possibilites of what condiment i could purchase to enhance orville's best. i had reese's last time. i've done junior mints. yes! got it. peanut butter m&m's! if you haven't done it...strongly recommended. if you dump the m&m's in right after the corn is popped, the candy coating melts just enough so as soon as it touches your tongue, you are assaulted by a buttery, peanuty explosion of mind boggling proportions.

then, tragically, the m&m yacht traveling down peanut butter river crashes into a tall brick structure. i look up suddenly to find my boat shattered against large, poorly lit, white wall. i get out of the boat and slowly make my way towards the neon humming. "oh great," i think as i turn the corner. they built another wal-mart here!!

"all good dreams die at wal-mart." i heard or read this somewhere. may have been leviticus.

once i realized i had to drive to wal-mart, i just got depressed. i know that more than likely i'll have my hand on my wallet and pay extra special attention to what is going on in my periphery. i'm also planning on being insulted by at LEAST one person, more than likely an employee. i will feel outcast. i will feel like everyone is watching me. i may have a slight migrane followed by a brief stint of nausea as i first pass through the sliding doors into the 2340 watt fluorescent lighting. i know when the greeter says, "hello," he is actually saying in a christian bale-esque batman voice, "why are YOU here? YOU dare come in when I'M working. now i HAVE to say hello to you. YOU! because the economy bombed, i lost half my retirement and since this prison is the only place that has been sued 793 times for discrimination, they HAVE to hire me. I HATE YOU!"

i'm able to get passed him with only a few cuts and bruises. i make my way briskly by the register's while all the employees stare at me like i just punched all their grandmothers.

quick recommendation to all the wal-mart employees out there....well, one in particular. when one of customers buys a product, let's just say it's a movie, that you don't really like, let's say that movie is footloose, it's probably not the best idea to scoff at them and say, "you LIKE this?"

aaaaand moving along.

i get to the candy aisle. i b-line for the m&m's. ok, regular...peanut.....yes! peanut but...wait...what? strawberry peanut butter?? SICK. they actually make that. below the regular m&m's, i see a gap. no. this can't be. i gaze close at the tag. 'peanut butter m&m's.' gone. they are gone.

so, i went to go visit my crazy uncle in prison and i realized he's flown the coop. sweet. so, now all the guards and prisoners are closing in around me out of the shadows. i can hear the footsteps approaching.

i snag a bag of plain m&m's and a movie (national lampoon's vacation) and head towards the exit. i throw my things down on the counter while the inmates begin to lick their chops. fresh meat....

the cashier scans the movie, pauses for a moment and looks up at my terrified eyes. "what are...YOU...doooinng? (gulp) i think. yeah, i'm so scared, i did a mind gulp.

"are you over 17 so you can buy this movie?"

i stare back in awe.

"i'm 27."

"ok."

seriously?

at this point, i don't know which emotion has taken over. fear or confusion. perhaps a few helpings of each wisked together in the batter that was once my mind.

i exit quickly towards my car, parked in between wal-mart and cub, which could very well be the bermuda triangle of creepiness. i feel like I need a can of mace and a whistle...for the bears, or wolves, or dragons, or some crazy hybrid that's crawling out of the sewer.

i hop in my car, and dukes of hazzard it right the heck out of there.

well, i made it home safely.

once i take a shower, i'm going to enjoy the solace of a quiet evening at home....

until i realize i'm out of toothpaste...

columbine and go tarts.

(from myspace. originally posted 4/6/08)

i understand the blog title might make all of you a little curious, but this is something that has been on my mind for a long time now. i’ve always reserved myspace to keep in touch with people that have moved away or to display excellent color coordination (note the scheme matches the profile picture...i’m sure you’ve already observed this and were blown away). it’s time to stray from past blogs, messages, jokes, and color schemes to touch on something that REALLY bugs me.
so many people have been speculating for years now on who is responsible for all this school violence. what has happened with our nation where a school shooting seems to occur every few months? media, movies, games? all of the former have received plenty of finger pointing as a cause of these horrible acts that have been surfacing over the past 10 years or so. how about good ol’ ma and pa? what about these people? after these tragedies, we get 8 page layouts in time magazine about the killer’s troubled history. we get shocking headlines on cnn and fox news that grab the world’s attention with words like massacre and killing spree. where are the parents through all of this? listen, i’m not saying let’s beat down their door and throw mics and cameras in their face. i could not fathom being a parent and have to go through something like this, but i would be interested in some profiles of this troubled kids parents.
is there a possibility that we are missing something? do me a favor. one of the following two will suffice. number one. actually, cancel number one...i just did it for you. over the past 15 years, fast food sales and increased almost 7% while restaraunt dining has decreased 6%. the gap between family income spent at a restaraunt and a fast food establishment is narrowing and the tables will turn possibly in the next five years or so. ok..(stick with me here)..number two...well, i guess this would be number one...just check out the type of food that is available at your local grocery store. specifically, your breakfast, lunch type kids food. for example, for lunch we have the classic peanut butter and jelly. but, if you go to the store, you’ll find you no longer need to buy the pb and j separate. you can just get goober grape! way easier. or, check out the pop tarts. have too little time to get the kids breakfast in the morning? well, pop tarts just aren’t quick enough anymore. our kids need go tarts! who really has the time to throw a cumbersome pop tart in the toaster for 30 seconds?
so, what’s you freaking point, kevin? well, our country has become obsessed with "now." we live for "now," and we aren’t getting it soon enough. we spend so much energy on our work, play, and ourselves we have been neglecting interaction with other humans. i feel this includes a large base of parents. i understand i’m not a parent, and "i have no idea what i’m talking about," but i think it’s obvious we are headed down a very dangerous path. so many parents just plop there kids down in front of their wii and dump a bag of bk in the their lap and go "unwind." i know i’m not speaking from experiencing and i know i’ll probably want to do it too, but we need to invest time in our children. there is ADD all over the place, obesity has become an epidemic, and our children are suffering from loneliness and depression.
sorry to rant, but i really feel this has to in some way contribute to this violence. obviously, the media isn’t helping matters. after the virginia tech killings, i saw time magazine had nearly a 10 page layout on the killer, and one page devoted to all the victims. we hoist to people to ridiculous heights of fame and it has to stop. but, let’s please start with the family. remember what that is? most of the families i know are extremely close, and it’s amazing to see. let’s embrace it.

dear terrorist, this tips for you.

(from myspace. originally posted 4/5/08)

don’t worry, americans. we are well taken care of. our department of homeland security has been hard work since 9/11 keeping our country safe. even though it has come at a very high price to our country financially, there’s nothing quite like waking up knowing we are taken care of. i guess no one told that to the washington post.
they recently printed an article entitled "terrorism drops a bombshell on boise." The entire article focused on the top cities in america that are the most vulnerable to a terrorist attack. really? yes, sir, and boise, idaho made the top ten. ghis shouldn’t come as a surprise. we all know potatoes are to middle eastern’s as what kryptonite is to superman. I guess you could just skim the surface of the article and observe the cities on the list in a joking matter and think, "huh, that’s funny that boise made the list"...or, you can stand back and see the big picture and say, "are you freaking kidding me? why would you publish this information?!"
it gets worse. i mentioned the article was produced by the washington post, but msn.com decided it was front page news. so, you don’t have to just get the post to read the article, but just have internet access. oh, but wait, i wouldn’t have written this blog if it wasn’t for the following bomb (pardon the pun), the whole study of the "most vunerable places in america" was funded by homeland security.
i think i’ll be taking my "stimulus" check next month and buy a one-way ticket to cananda.

don't forget the cheese.

(carried over from myspace. originally posted 1/3/08)

i'll admit, i really appreciate someone with a sharp wit. unless of course that wit is unprofessional slash at my expense. twas the case last weekend when i took a journey with my fellow comrades (josh j, jason, marty)to culver's. i allowed them to order first while i spent an unnecessary amount of time looking at the menu.
hold that thought for a comedic observation.
why is it that whenever you order at a fast food joint (no, i will not call it a restaurant) that you (the customer) never take your eyes off the neon lit menu when you order even though you already darn well know what you are getting? you scan that whole 12 foot screen while your brain is already enjoying the chicken, bacon, swiss and curly fries you WILL be eating in less than three minutes (unless of course you have to wait the extra two minutes for a fresh batch of fries...you lucky dog, but careful, they're hot), and the while your wasting time scanning the menu, the clown behind the counter is thinking of all the different ways he could snap your neck because the joint (not a restaurant) closes at 11:00 and he started cleaning the fryers at 9:45.
ok, back to the story.the other three order their culvy's (cute, huh), and i approach the counter. scanning the menu for about 6 seconds (i decided on a cheddar burger in the car), i order the aforementioned dish. the gentleman at the counter asks, "what would you like on the burger?"wait, i had not prepared for this. i had forgotten culver's let's me choose. this was not going to end pleasantly as my mind raced thinking of all the glorius toppings that could enhance my culvy going experience.
"well, what toppings do you have?" i asked playfully.
by the way, i have lived in america my entire life, so i'm not sure why i failed to understand what you can get on a burger. perhaps to force the employee to get sidetracked and try to come up all the possibilities while i didn't pay attention to him and figure out what i really wanted. this is exactly what happened. he rattled off the options (very speedily i might add), and i was left with, "uh....well...how about lettuce and ketchup." yeah, nice call, kevin. just leave it at that so you don't have to ask him to repeat the options.
as he was ringing me up, i realized i had forgotten the most important topping. this is freaking america. i need cheese! without thinking, my mouth vomitted out the utterly absurd question, "does that come with cheese?"insert sarcasm here. he stared at me for about 3 seconds and smilied, "yes, the CHEDDAR burger comes with cheese."
"oh, right. cause it's a cheddar burger. i'm an idiot," i replied, desheveled.
"don't worry, man. i've heard way worse," his response was soothing."probably not, but i appreciate it," and i did.
yes, i had my pride scraped off the floor by an employee at a fast food...restaraunt. he probably has heard worse, but i bet i made his day. i'm sure that he had a good chuckle about it a couple hours later...until that car full of teenagers showed up at 9:45....right after cleaning the fryers.

sick cycle carousel. a LOST theory.

i told myself i wouldn't do this. anytime someone would say, "you're kind of obsessed with lost aren't you?" my answer would always be, "well, i READ blogs about it, yeah, but i would never WRITE my own." well, i've officially crossed over to pinnacle of geekdom. a blog about lost. if you haven't seen lost and are mildly interested, don't read this. or the dark tower series. here we go
let me first tell you i have no clue how this show is going to end and i'm not going to pretend i do. what i will do, though, is present some thoughts, similar to the show, and maybe these clues will give insight as to how it all will end. i've got a couple things i've caught on my official 'lost rewatch 2009 tour' (this is the third time around) that got me thinking.
'and here we go now one more time'
i'm not a huge fan of lifehouse. let's be up front. as i thought about what i think may happen in season 6 i kept thinking of this circle. a cycle. a carousel? sure. then it hit me. no name face. a cd released by lifehouse which i purchased (yeah, i know) a few years ago. i'll admit, 'hanging by a moment' was the song i'd sing super loud driving in car when i knew no one was watching in like 2001. sickening isn't it? HA! sick.
which brings us here. lost? i'm getting there.
on the special features of lost season 1, there is a interview with one of the writers of the pilot episode of lost. during the interview, there is a fancy graphic of the official cover the screenplay for the first episode....only it's not called lost. the title says 'the circle.' yes, i understand the circle could very well represent the island itself, but the writers of lost have a way with misdirection. case in point, season 4. when jack visits hurley in the mental hospital he mentions to jack that charlie came to visit. what was charlie's message? "you aren't supposed to raise him?" of course he means aaron. hmmm? also in season 4, when kate wakes up to find ghost claire in her room, claire says, "don't you dare bring him back?" again, speaking of aaron. hold it right there. a decent slight of hand from the writers but i'm not falling for it. how about a warning from 'the other side' by ghost claire and ghost charlie that they aren't supposed to bring dead john locke back to the island. "you aren't suppose to RAISE him" because now we know what happens john does gets 'raised.' he kills jacob.
the lost producers always joke about zombies on the show. i never realized how much the undead are influencing everyone. one puppet at a time. all these dead people returning to give advice are the same person. i guess that wasn't really speculation. apparently, this is a theory. jacob's buddy on the beach, let's just call him esau is using these 'zombies' as puppets to make his loophole come true. he did in fact go through a lot to get where he wanted to be. i'm not going to get into details. just go back and watch. i think almost everytime we've seen a dead person come back and talk to someone ON THE ISLAND has been esau.
anyway, a little tanget there. back to my lifehouse obsession and the misdirection. i think the original title on the screenplay refers to the entire show. 'the circle' is the infinite loop are characters are caught in. locke was right. it was their destiny to go the island...over..and over...and over again.
but that's not entertaining at all! that's six years of my life wasted!!!! not so fast. let's playback the conversation between jacob and esau on the beach.
esau: they come, fight, they destroy, they corrupt. it always ends the same.
jacob: but it only ends once. everything that happens before that....is just progress.
"it always ends the same" followed by "it only ends once." jacob isn't contradicting him...they are talking about two different endings. i believe esau is referring to the cycle or perhaps 'the circle.' jacob is looking at the bigger picture. it (everything) only ends once. everything (that happens before the cycle is broken) is just progress.
i think juliets super sad h-bomb smashing did reset everything. but somehow, someway, the island will get them back.
how can i think this has any merit? i really don't. but the writers do love stephen king, and that folks brings us to 'the dark tower.' (HUGE dark tower spoiler dead ahead)here is a blog entry someone posted about how the dark tower ends. you won't understand some of the stuff he is referencing. doesn't matter. real carefully.
"then at the top of the tower he is sucked through time and returns to the beginning of his journey, right before the first sentence of the gunslinger (book one of the dark tower series.)"
the dark tower is an infinite loop. more?
"a lot of people have been knocking the idea of the loop, but i think to do that is to ignore one crucial thing, the presence of the horn when he begins his next journey. what this implies is that with each journey he's doing things better, and it's implied that his one failure this time is the fact that he didn't pick up the horn at the end of the battle in 'wizard and the glass,' so now he has it, and i get the feeling that this next journey will be his last time, and then he will find peace at the top of the tower."
so, the journey does change each time and he has this horn that apparently he needed the last time he went through the loop, or in other words, "everything...is just progress."
eventually, things will turn out, how they are supposed to. the cycle will stop. sometime. until the ending is....perfect. and as a fan of lost, i hope it is.

the fleeting found.

i wish i was better at holding on to things. i really can't think of any specific items at the moment. maybe if i remembered them, i wouldn't have let them go in the first place. hmmm...well, makes sense to me.
after typing that first sentence above, i sat staring at my computer screen thinking of some witty material item from my childhood (i.e. a balloon/kite, a CD i sold or threw away) to try a little slight of hand at you so you wouldn't realize when i say "things," i really mean emotions. man, that totally would have worked. well, hand slighting failed.
i was scanning through some of my favorite soundtracks online when i remembered 'garden state.' my mind immediately went to one song. i couldn't recall the name of it or even what it was about, but i remembered the feeling i had when i heard the song. one time in particular.
i was flying out to visit my parents in phoenix. the plane was fairly empty, at least no one around me. i was at the window seat (always am) and it was around 8pm. we were flying above the clouds as the sun was setting. i remembered it was like we were flying over a bright orange carpet that went on forever. probably the most amazing thing i've ever seen in my life. even at the time i thought, "can it really get much better?" well, apparently not, and i'm totally fine with that.
how could i have forgotten that? we're so quick to jump to the next place/thing/person that even when we are in that moment realizing that what you are seeing/what your doing/who you are with and you understand that in THAT moment, it really can't get much better on this planet, it's still fleeting.
how is that possible? do we just think THIS can't be THAT moment? do we expect something better? do expect everything to get way worse? why is it so hard to hold on?
i want to understand and acknowledge from now on when these moments occur. how? excellent question. i wish i knew. cause the next one could be the big one.
i'll leave you with the above memory. maybe it'll help you find one of yours.
isolated on a quiet plane. sunset. clouds. and the song.

and yes, the irony of the chorus is well identified.

now if i could only get that 'garden state' cd back that i loaned out...

conquering the peak.

several years ago, a group of us drove out to colorado after reading 'wild at heart'. our goal was straight forward and simple: be a man and climb a mountain. one thing he hadn't realized, though. we were, in fact, already men. men that were from iowa. real men that ate corn and beef. real men that couldn't deal with breathing at 10,000 feet. the climb failed. we felt defeated.
that is until we drove out to the rocky mountain national forest for a couple days. camping on the edge of a cliff. cooking breakfast, lunch, and dinner over an open fire. watching the sunset from a cliff with the whole group overlooking a valley of dense trees and then rising up to snow-topped peaks. watching the sunrise from the same cliff alone the following morning and getting the opportunity to thank God for that moment (the silence that filled that valley is something i'll never forget). having to wait for rain so we would have drinking water. no deodorant. beards. man.
this was the best trip i've ever been on. six guys with same goal. even though this goal did not ultimately succeed, we all had the same purpose. it was an awesome feeling to be with five other guys that just wanted to be there. wanted to try something together that we had never done before. the journey was amazing.
now, a few years have past. i just got the e-mail today that long's peak will be the target once again. we know the journey now. hopefully, this time there is a destination.
august 15. 14,000 feet. man. i love it.

it's like raaaaa-eee-aaaiiin on your...

i was considering writing about my biggest pet peeves. this idea flooded my head while i passed the john walking down the hall at work today. no, i don't have a super arrogant friend named john that has requested we address him as 'the john' to enhance an otherwise fairly common name (sorry to all john's, i mean no disrespect) or maybe just to get a date.....hmmmm...the kevin? my pet peeve idea originated from seeing the toilet paper roll hanging so that you have to pull it from underneath the roll. why would you do that?? seriously. it's so hard to tear along the perforated (i spell checked that) edges when the teary (did not spell check that) part is behind the roll and not visible. there are only two possible outcomes. you rip the paper to shreds trying to actually tear it along the perforated (i remembered from last time) edge or you have to essentially waste a square to get a clear view of the perfed (if i have to use a word 3+ times i'll just abbrev it) edge and the next clown that uses the toilet has to just take that spare piece off and throw it away because who knew where that exposed square has been. oh sure, you can be gross and just roll it back up for the next unsuspecting john visitor.
when i got home, i checked msn and realized i had stumbled across the news story of the year. last year it was the two guys dressed as jedi's fighting in their yard when a man dressed like drunk darth vader (he had consumed an entire box of wine) attacked them. the attacker did NOT know the victims. so, this years story reminded me of another pet peeve that deserved my immediate attention rather than the ta(il)le of the toilet role. plus, i also love a sweet, sweet case of irony. a man who was recently added to the guinness book of world records for filing the most lawsuits ever has...you guessed it....sued guinness for defamation of character. brilliant. don't you worry about guinness, i'm sure they're pleased to be in such good company. previous lawsuits have included (i wish i could have made this up): the makers of grand theft auto, plato, jimmy hoffa, che guevara...it gets better...the lincoln memorial, the eiffel tower, the 13 tribes of israel, the garden of eden, and my personal favorite, i can't believe it's not butter. Even better?? [from wikipedia] (He) has also attempted to intervene as a plaintiff in the Bernie madoff investment scandal, claiming that he "met bernie madoff on eharmony.com in 2001" and taught madoff identity theft skills. This guy is amazing!!!
well, that's all for today. this story just made my day. well, one more thought to leave you with. irony. what IS irony, alanis? 10,000 spoons when you're looking for knife is in fact irony. rain on wedding day, however....is just crappy.

it has begun.

a long time ago, a wise man once said, "holy crap, go get a new cell phone!!" ya see, the screen on my cell phone elected to end itself a couple days after christmas '08. i've never been a gigantic fan of technology...well....i hate it. i can prove it, but allow me one moment for the set up.
one day i would like to sit on stage with a comedian and just observe the audience while said comedian performs his schtick, so when he tells a joke along the lines of, "i saw this commercial on t.v. that said 'you can water your hard to reach plants with this product.' now, who would make their plants so very hard to reach," i could watch the audience to see how many of them lean over to their significant other and i see words, "that's," "so," and "true" mouthed. well, i was myself the victim of one of these moments while watching this video, http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jETv3NURwLc, which proves my hatred for technology because it has caused the lot of us (my generation) to become "feed me now" brats that need everything immediately...scratch that...12 seconds ago.
and hear lies my problem. i need to document my quirky life experiences somewhere and this is admittedly a terrific forum to project such stories. it seems on a weekly basis i have some event or encounter that just simply makes me have to laugh because it's just so bizarre. whether it's driving my car to hy-vee when i see a man walking down the street juggling pins and looking completely depressed (happened three nights ago) or driving to ft. dodge for work one morning when i glance to my left to observe a beautiful rainbow which immediately causes an inner dialogue about how thankful i am for creation and in the midst of my emotional high, a bird impales itself into the right front fender of my car, causing me to jump and swerve all over the road. these stories must be told in mass, so they can be passed down from generation to generation, shared around campfires 100 years from now as teenagers complain they had the thought of a bonfire and it hadn't immediately started before their very eyes.
hope you enjoy.

p.s. no, i have not purchased a new cell phone.