weight, what did you say?

After today, I've now had four people comment to me how much weight I've lost. I really didn't think to much of the first couple comments. Just figured it was because I was wearing black (I hear it looks slimming), I'm constantly striking that model pose (hands on the hips, one leg out in front of the other, turned ever so slightly to the side), OR I actually have been losing weight.
This is an odd thing to me because I don't recall ever losing weight. EVER. I was 145 when I graduated from high school. As of April this year, I was 180. Apparently, I really like burgers.
About two months ago, for financial reasons, I swore off fast food first and then a week later decided to stop eating out all together. Haven't touched it for nearly 3 months now (OK, I broke it twice. Once for Chinese food once for DQ. Both extremely good reasons)! This means I think I've officially become a cook.
I have been making a ton of meals at home, which is actually kind of fun. Food is a pretty sweet thing to experiment with. Lots of fish. LOTS of fish. Probably a sickening amount actually.
Because I have discovered a new found love of the creatures from the depths of the sea, I cut WAY back on red meat...which I still think may be a huge mistake. Reference sentence above: "I really like burgers."
Also, because I feel like I've been eating better, I'm more motivated to work out. I started running about 3 weeks ago and have done so almost every day. I clocked just over two miles a few days ago. And for you dummies that scoff at that, keep quiet. That is a big deal for me. Why don't you throw on your cutesy little short shorts, hook up your iPod to your fancy little bicep band, strap a number on your chest and go finish 276th in a 5k.
(Sorry, everyone. That's the heart of red meat-less man speaking)
So, after hearing "Why have you been losing weight??" for the fourth time, I decided to get an answer for this once and for all.
I jumped on a scale after work and....168. 12 pounds lost in the past 3 months.
12 pounds. 100% accidental. Please don't think I'm rockin' this blog to gloat about losing weight. I understand how difficult it is for some. I'm just shocked that the 12 pound drop is almost completely due to me simply not eating crap.
So, my recommendation is if you are looking at shedding a couple pounds and you hate exercise, step one is to stop eating dumb.
Plus, learning to cook will come in handy down the road, men. Girls dig it. I think. Well, that's what I hear at least. I guess I've only cooked dinner for two girls. The first one was a girlfriend that broke up with me the next day. OK, well the cooking IS getting better. Did you hear that, old GF? I don't know. Maybe call me sometime?
Anyway, if you want to shed some pounds and get in shape the REAL way, do this!!
www.jeffbartontraining.com

yeah, and your looks are kind of pretty...when your face isn't screwing it up.

I just read that this year marks...wait for it....the 25th anniversary of Goonies. WHAT YOU TALKIN' 'BOUT GURL??? That does kind of blow my mind. Twenty five years ago. Cripes.
Anyway, instead of looking back wondering where all the years have gone, I thought we could lighten the mood and take a stroll down memory lane.
I give you my list of the top 25 films from the 80's (I seriously tried 10 at first...impossible).
I actually realized in doing this how far superior 80's films are to any of the two decades since. FAR superior. I'm not real sure what it is. It can't be originality can it? I really can't compare it any of the decades prior to the 80's because I simply haven't seen enough. Maybe we just owe it all to John Hughes? It really weird, though, to think back through a lot of those films. I could probably easily name 25 more that I thought were great.
If I were to compile of list of my top 100 of all time (which is bound to pop up somewhere down the road), I wonder how films made in this particular decade would make the cut. I'm willing to go with close to half. Seriously.
I don't feel like going into much detail about why these made the list and others didn't. I think that's because most of them simply made it for the reason that I absolutely loved them as a kid.
There are so few newer movies that I could watch over and over again. I would say there is probably a good 15-20 of these that I could watch once a year or more and never get sick of.
Sooooooooooooo........here. we. go.
25) The Shining
24) The Terminator
23) Big
22) Adventures in Babysitting
21) Big Trouble in Little China
20) When Harry met Sally
19) Short Circut
18) Hoosiers
17) A Christmas Story
16) Spaceballs
15) Breakfast club
14) The Money Pit
13) Star Wars: The Empire Strikes Back
12) Princess Bride
11) Spies Like Us
10) Planes, Trains and Automobiles
9) Stand By Me
8) Footloose
7) National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation
6) Raising Arizona
5) Goonies
4) Indiana Jones (trilogy)
3) Clue
2) Back to the Future
1) Ghostbusters

Yep. ALL 80's. Really. That's how good they were. I was really excited to go back through this list once it was completed and think, wow, how awesome is it going to be to go sit with my kids while they watch all these for the first time....maybe we'll wait awhile on 'The Shining.' I don't want to wake up in the middle of the night with little Timmy standing at the foot of my bed pretending to talk with his finger saying, "Redrum. REDRUM!"
I will, however, be thrilled when helping him with his math assignment and out of nowhere he yells, "One point twenty one gigawatts!?"
By the way, the choice of Ghostbusters or Back to the Future was decided by coin toss.

the expedition for cloud nine.

I believe a constant struggle of many men and women my age is depression. It may not be that classical form of depression, not wanting to leave the house/emotionally strained, but fits the bill none the less. It is an obsession to create happiness on our own using external influences...whether it comes from movies, sports, friendships, relationships, etc. There is nothing wrong with having these things that make you happy, but these are all temporary fixes to a chronic problem. Even in a relationship, these feelings are bound to intermittently hide or disappear altogether.
I believe this is something I've struggled with for some time now. I am searching for something outside of myself to make me happy, because if I don't feel happy, the solution is out there somewhere, right? Negative.
I accepted Christ when I was in seventh grade. That acceptance allowed the Holy Spirit to my heart, to live IN me. This happiness I'm searching externally for is planted within my very soul begging to be allowed to provide me with all the satisfaction, gratitude, happiness I can never attain from anything this world could ever offer.
So, why my age group? Why is culture crashing down this reckless path of depression/this impossible search for satisfaction?
In rereading 'The Lost Virtue of Happiness,' I found a terrific example of one area, specifically men, struggle with constantly. Women. In 2001 there was an article published in Psychology Today that with our culture's constant exposure to beautiful people it has made us less interested in dating or in our spouses. We've seen all the "beauty" there is out there making us less content with the true beauty around us. Obviously, this article was specifically about looks, but I think it goes far beyond that every category. We watch movies about the guy or girl that always says the right thing, the hero, the comedian, the romantic. We set that as our standard, which no one in real life can live up to. We search and search which leads to our frustration that we can't find what satisfies us. Once again, it's within us.
The follow up comment in 'The Lost Virtue' regarding the article in Psychology Today is heavily underlined now in my book:

"Why is it we think this way? We are empty selves, drunk with seeking happiness and, as a result, individualistic, narcissistic, infantile people who approach others as objects that exist merely to make us happy. Slowly but surely, the contemporary notion of happiness is killing our relationships, our religious fervor, our very lives."

And, folks, there is your verbal equivalent to a punch in the face. It was for me at least. What a wake up call to be referred to as a self-centered, arrogant child.
For those of you that go to Cornerstone, you may remember Paul preaching about feelings, referring to them as liars. This book takes a similar approach:

"The current understanding of happiness identifies it as a pleasurable feeling. Pleasant feelings are surely better than unpleasant ones, but the problem today is that people are obsessively concerned with feeling happiness; people are slaves to their feelings. Feelings are wonderful servants but terrible masters."

We need to stop this worldwide search for what will make us happy in this moment and search within ourselves for Spirit of living God that will satisfy forever.

"Advancing the kingdom of God, living in intimacy with God and others, and honoring God by reflecting His good nature are the goals of life."
"It is to become like Jesus himself and have a character that manifests the radical nature of the kingdom of God and the fruit of the Spirit. It is to find out God's purposes for your life and to fulfill those purposes in a Christ-honoring way."

Yeah, it's a pretty good book.
This is really a journal entry to myself on the fixes I need to make in my own heart, but I know numerous friends that are fighting through these feelings of grief and depression. Those on a search for something/someone to make them happy, to satisfy, to fill them.
There is happiness to be had. His name is Jesus.

more gooder with words.

here is another review i just read of the lost finale. i think this one may be my favorite. agree with it 100%. it's quite a long read, but if you've got about 10 minutes to spare, it's worth it. enjoy!!

http://www.docarzt.com/lost/lost-theories/the-end-thoughts-by-gatesy/

the key was in the appendix.

the great debate has begun.

the lost finale: brilliant or terrible?

i choose the former. without a doubt. i've spent six years watching the stories of these characters unfold. six years of brilliant storytelling. six years of laughing, crying, time jumping, flashing backward, forward, sideways. six years of build up for the best payoff of any show/movie i've ever seen. far exceeding my expectations.

if you weren't exactly thrilled with the finale, check out jason funk's review and you guys can gang up on me for some serious etrashtalk.

http://www.jasonfunk.net/2010/05/24/lost/comment-page-1/#comment-9

if i would have made of list of things i wanted, nay, needed answered in the finale if you would have asked me prior to the finale starting, this is the list that would have been compiled...

1) walt. we spent two years of this show with, i believe, walt being the biggest mystery. what was with his powers? why did the others want him?

answered? no.

2) aaron. what was so significant about aaron? why did the psychic tell claire that she was the only one who could raise him?

dealt with? nope. aaron wasn't even seen this season.

3) names!? mr. pierre chang/mark wickmund/marvin candle/edgar halliwax has been an enigma to me since i saw the first orientation video in the swan hatch. if you hadn't caught it, his named changed in every video. in one video, he didn't have the use of one of his arms, but did in the all others. why the different name? what's with the arm? we actually see the arm get crushed during the incident at the end of season 5. what caused him to regain the ability to use his arm. different realities! or so i thought. i hoped for answers in the finale and....

got nothing.

4) the numbers. we got the answer to the numbers, right? absolutely not. seriously. just becaused we saw them used and featured heavily in season 6 didn't mean anything to me. wasn't expecting them to return in the finale and.....

they didn't.

5) no birthing for you! what in world caused women to not be able to have children on the island between the birth of ethan in 1974ish and claire in 2003?

forget about it!!

6) rub some ointment on it? the infection/sickness. apparently in real life terms we call them "zombies." i have no idea. i figured it should be important.

...and apparently not.

7) the hurley bird! if you aren't a die hard and absolutely nuts lost fan you may not know this one. it has bugged me for a long time and i actually read we would get an answer to it this season.

someone lied.

(in case you have no clue what i'm referring to, here's the clip. it's from the season 2 finale)

8) and the island is........

not important.

like i said, these were the answers i wanted, nay, demanded before the finale. how many of them were dealt with? ZERO. and, yes, i thought the episode was absolutely brilliant! why? because i realized i'm a man of resolution. not answers.

did i really want them to spend the whole episode unpacking all these little mysteries? saying, "ok, remember this. here's what it is." i thought i did until about 30 minutes in to the show.

i then did a complete 180 in my thinking. i realized i had been following these characters for six years. i'm invested in THEM. not the statue. not the hatches. not the hurley bird. well, i'm still a little invested in the hurley bird.

the story of these characters is why i began watching in the first place. i wanted a resolution to THEIR story. and i don't feel it could have ended more perfectly.

some people have expressed their frustration of the writers "pretending" they knew what they were doing from the beginning, but in reality threw together an ending because they couldn't wrap this expansive story they created. i disagree.

after the show was finished and i was driving home, i realized the writes have known all along...well, at least since season 3.

"the key was in the appendix." remember the episode when jack's appendix burst and juliet had to fix him? i honestly would put that episode in my five most hated of all time. it seemed like completely unnecessary drama. we were in the midst of the flash-forwards at the time and we all knew jack makes it off the island and is doing just fine. why the appendix thing?

well, in the season six premiere 'LAX' we get our first glimpse into the "sideways reality" which i think all of us that saw the finale last night now realize "sideways" is not the proper term. we see jack looking in a mirror slightly puzzled by the scar on the right side of his stomach. he calls his mother asking when he had his appendix removed as he has no recollection of it. kind of an odd plot point, but quickly forgotten by me. how naive i was.

before i hit my "big reveal" i want to throw a little teaser out there in typical lost fashion. as we see our characters essentially living double lives in season 6 thanks in part to the "island timeline" and the "LA timeline," i steer us to words that have double meanings. for example, i don't know, appendix!

as far as anatomy goes, we all know what the appendix is. wait. i have no idea what an appendix is. anyway, it's in us. moving on.

the other appendix is placed at the end of a book. the 'official' wikipedia definition: a text added to the end of a book containing information that is important to the main text.

i'm dragging this on way to long. sorry, i was really excited when i thought of this (pats self on back).

(MAJOR SPOILER ALERT)

we now know that the sideways world is essentially purgatory. the reason jack didn't remember getting his appendix taken out as a child was because he DIDN'T. that scar, we now know, was from the knife wound he sustained from john locke in what i'm referring to as 'the duel on the cliffs.' the appendix problem is season 3 was slight of hand. a misdirection. a FARCE! the appendix was simply that. a short summary that contained important information about what was really going on.

so, there. lay your "they didn't know what they were doing" junk to rest.

back to the main point. i understand the ending came off as kind of cheesy. they all "enter heaven together. cute!" this was done very well without referencing any particular Creator or afterlife. i understand they simply couldn't do that. jack's dad couldn't say jack got saved by Jesus, buddha or tom cruise. they had to be religiously ambiguous to not offend anyone and for network televison, and i really am ok with that.

i came away with these characters were and always have been fated to be each other. sure, they had free will to do what they wanted with their lives, but in the end they needed each other. their journey into eternity now begins. how cool was it that we got to see how it all unfolded?

so, i'm really ok with not figuring out the mysteries. magic tricks are fascinating. finding out how to do them only leaves you with, "oh, that's all it is?" give me a good story and great characters any day. splash in a little time travel and i'm all in.

in closing....

...lost, keep your secrets. and thanks for memories.

dear son,

i'm writing this to you as i observe another beautiful iowa sunset. i'm hoping one day you and i will get to sit out on the back porch with our lab/basset hound hurley at our feet while your mother and two siblings (probably sisters) catch lighting bugs.

i wanted to pass on some knowledge to you as i have finally started growing wiser. you may not agree with this until your my age, but you will see things my way eventually. after reading this, you'll probably having a new found appreciation for how wise your old man is.

so, son, without further ado, i have some recommendations for you.

1. don't play sports. sure, the peewee stuff is cool. maybe a litte in junior high. i'll probably even allow football. perhaps some basketball/baseball would be in order the first few years of high school. basically, once you graduate, your body will start to deteriorate extremely fast. by the time your 27...wait, 28 (seriously, i wrote 27 first), you'll end up like me if you continue on the reckless path athletics have to offer.

i forgot to include in the intro paragraph that as i write this, i have a frozen bag of corn on my right ankle that is settled extremely precariously on the edge of my computer desk nursing a re-aggravated ankle sprain, a strained left knee, a gash on the upper section of my right calf, and a shredded left forearm from sliding on dirt, and a pulled groin (which is simply the icing on the arthritic/kidney stone producing cake). ah, yes, the first night of softball. yes, the first.

2. take advantage of remembering things. note two paragraphs up. you will forget your age. it's bound to happen. i expected that day to be after a good 93 years. try 27. wait, 28. my father has gotten to the point where he will try to tell me a story that he literally told me no more than a week prior...then he'll do it the following week...with the same story. i've started to tell people about how sad this is. i'm going to be there someday. then i realized i can't remember who i've told the story about my dad to, so i start repeating it to people. then i do it again the next i see them.

3. get good insurance. this probably should be section 1a.

4. there is evidence to support kidney stones being hereditary. i have no way to prepare you for this. so, i guess suck it up.

5. you can be an actor (in moderation). just don't be a weirdo about it. if you do plan on being in plays, i'm going to recommend an amendment to section 1. you will need to participate in some sort of manly activity to balance out the unmanliness of being in a play. once your out of school and doing movies, you are safe to now end said amendment.

6. treat women well. you will be destroyed if this is broken.

7. love Christ with all your heart. you'll be destroyed worse and forever if this is broken.

8. go outside. watch some sunsets. observe nature. go camping.

9. make sure you spend a lot of time on your short game. golf will be allowed. this is an exception to number 1. sure, you'll want to paste the ball of the tee. but 90% of the game is played from inside 100 yards.

10. remember to wear sunscreen.

that should do it. if you can do these 10 things, you'll honor me. i guess i'll probably just laugh when you get kidney stones.

i guess if you're really bummed out about the sports thing, you could always be a punter. you'll never get hurt beyond want an ice pack can't fix.

so, in closing, as this sun sets behind the horizon, you son, will set these things upon your heart and obey them. i want you to know i'm proud of you so far in your young life. just don't screw it up and make me look bad.

love,

dad

.325 down.

28. that doesn't sound right. i need a fact-checker stat.

let's see....1982...plus the.....carry the.....oh, crap.

honestly, i really almost forgot about my birthday until i was reminded of it yesterday by a fellow cornerstoner who happens to share that special date of march 29th.

this seriously isn't some ploy to remind everyone my birthday is in fact tomorrow. i just never thought i would get to a point where i; a) nearly forgot, b) could really care less.

it's not like i'm anti-birthday. it just really is another day in life of a pretty average dude trying to figure out his place in this life. every year that goes by, i still feel immortal and i still don't feel like i've accomplished anything.

maybe i nearly forgot because of everything else that's been dominating my thoughts lately. my grandmother passed away this week (which explains the immortality reference above). i don't often think about death unless it's thrown right in my face, which is sad. don't get me wrong, i don't WANT to ponder my impending demise, but i think it should be a necessary part of thoughts during our limited existence on this earth.

how can we understand eternity if we can't understand mortality?

my grandmother lived 86 years of a faith-filled existence on this earth. a truly amazing woman. i really get frustrated of all the completely false compliments paid at funerals to those who have passed on. i understand it eases the thoughts of the families to hear these things, but if it's a lie, what is gained except a temporary sense of false comfort? my grandmother, however, was one of the most joyous people i've ever met. she was in a great deal of pain towards the end of her life and it was a blessing when she finally passed away. she is home with her Maker. she toiled for 86 years on this earth to make His name known and now she gets to spend eternity with Him. how amazing is that!? i couldn't be sad for a story like that, but there was one moment at the funeral where i couldn't hold back a few tears.

it was a story shared by her niece...

she said when she was 8, her aunt shirley (my grandmother) made cookies with her. she was told by my grandmother that she could do everything herself. measure out the ingredients. stir them all together. she was in charge. the one thing her niece did not know was...how to make cookies. she went along with it anyway, measuring out what seemed like the correct amount, stirring random ingredients together. finally, when they were finished, her niece confessed that she had never made cookies before and didn't know what she was doing. my grandmother's response? "well, i just thought you looked like someone that could anything." you can't read that story and not smile, can you?

if i live as long as her, i can say tomorrow i will have lived 1/3 of my life. with all that she has accomplished, where do i stand? am i on track? is it really even possible to measure?

i think every year on their special day, numerous people stop and realize how little they've done and how much is left to do. one day a year.

one day a year, on the day of our birth, we realize how little time we have left. morbid? absolutely not. we are but a vapor on this earth. i think that realization needs to set in daily, rather than annually. we have so much to give. and so much to learn.

with easter approaching, my prayer is that as we celebrate Christ's death and resurrection, we celebrate our own death. the death of our former self that is now filled the Holy Spirit. and we celebrate our mortality. our temporary visitation to a planet filled with people who need to be loved and know the Truth. and we celebrate the everlasting life granted to us when we leave this place, given by a perfect man who sacrificed himself on a cross.

yes, i've got a lot on my mind. another birthday nearly in the books and what to show for it?

.325 down. time to get work.

jeff goldblum knows best.

"scientists spent so much time thinking whether or not they could, they didn't stop to think if they should." - Dr. Ian Malcom, Jurassic Park

I DO agree with you. It is kinda unfortunate that one of my favorite quotes all of time (period, not just movies) comes from Jurassic Park, but it comes from The Fly himself, which I think yings the yang. Yep, I just verbed a symbol.

If you've been keeping up with past entries, you're already well aware of my disdain for all things technology. Another log for the fire? Sure, it was starting to look pretty bleak for me after getting a new tv, hooking up the surround sound system, and FINALLY crossing over to the digital age.

Digital. Take a seat. Stone. Welcome back. We've all missed you.

Here is said log on said fire.

About two months ago I noticed a light flash on in the console of my vehicle. It looked like a small boat out on the water with a dot in the middle. I was puzzled because, for those that don't know me, I don't drive a boat. You can plainly see my confusion.

I scanned through my manual and realized it was a flat tire indicator. I thought, "I have one of those!" (meaning the light and the flat tire). I checked all the tires and found the culprit. The left rear. I should have known!

I filled the tire and went on my way. A month later, the light comes on again. This time I think, "Strange coincidence that another tire would be going flat." Checked again. Curious. Left rear. Refill.

Two weeks later. It's raining when I got home from work. I get out of the not-a-boat and hear a strange hissing sound about two feet to my left. I look down expecting a king cobra. None to be found. I discover the sound is radiating from my tire (left rear).

I think, "I think I've got a flat," two months too late. Tire comes off. Examination.

HUGEST. NAIL. EVER.

I take the tire in and say, "I can't sail without this!!" Get it? From earlier...the boat....(sigh) That was said as an inside (my head) voice.

The tire is examined carefully and he says, "Sure! We can plug it." He gets the nail out, gets ready to plug and stops. "Oh, s---," he says. Not real professional, but I'm sure my tires been called worse. "This has a sensor."

"Yep," I replied. "Is that bad?"

He sighs heavily and explains the situation. Because the tire HAS a sensor, patching it may be a problem. Yeah, I was confused too. He said that even though the hole has been patched, there is a possibility the flat tire light may stay on. I didn't get it at all but kept nodding like a moron.

I said I didn't really care if the boat light was on as long as I knew the tire was fine.

He said the car is too advanced for me to pull a fast one like that. If the light stays on for so many miles, the engine won't start. If I'm driving the thing and it hits that magic mileage number, it will shut off.

The fix? Go back to the dealership so they can wire it up to their computer and reset the sensors. Free? Not a chance.

I have to pay to fix a feature I really don't care to have but the ship won't sail without it.

I miss the good ol' days where technology was figuring out which stick I was going to use to start a fire. Then the only thing I needed to concern myself with was tracking down the clown that decided a ship on the high seas was a good icon for a flat tire on a car.

something for nothing.

woke up this morning...late...again. it's been a long week. last night was my own dumb fault. todd came over and hooked up my surround sound system (thanks, todd) and then we watched the final 3 episodes of band of brothers. we started on the special features, but after about 10 minutes i realized if i let this go on any longer, i'd get sucked in and have to finish the whole thing and end up finding out about what steven spielberg had for lunch on day 16 of shooting episode 7. i thought i could go without that.

i woke up at 5:00 yesterday to work in ft. dodge. i told myself i couldn't stay up late that night or else i would pay for it today. well, ended up switching off B.O.B. at about 11:15. fell asleep around 12:15. up at 6:00 this morning. not exactly ideal for me. i need LOTS of sleep.

oh, don't get me wrong. i'll still be super cranky when i wake up, just more coherent.

i got ready in the dark like usual. i fear light in the morning. once i got my shoes and tie on i checked msn, as is the standard operating procedure. as i flipped open my laptop, i let a little "mmmmm" as i grimaced from the bright green light of my desktop. remember, this is my first experience with light in the morning.

when msn opens up, i see the headline, "obama wins nobel peace prize." i think, "uhhhh...what? am i still sleeping and dreaming about future time where obama has actually done.....anything?"

alas, i was not dreaming. i was parked in the neutral, lodged in the same ridiculous reality in which i'm always existing.

in case you were wondering, other awards that will be giving out in the next week:

lebron james wins the 2010 nba mvp award.

danny glover wins best supporting actor at the oscars for lethal weapon 5.

i get a huge raise and a trophy following 10 years of devoted service to the wolfe clinic.

how in the world does barack obama win a nobel peace prize???

well, let me lay out what it takes to win a nobel peace prize. here it is from mr. alfred nobel himself. he says the prize should go to, "the person who shall have done the most or the best work for fraternity between nations, for the abolition or reduction of standing armies and for the holding and promotion of peace congresses."

mr. president, what have you done? if you need a comedic view of your accomplishments, look no further than saturday night live. this aired last weekend.

http://www.hulu.com/watch/99945/saturday-night-live-obama-address

i'm not saying barack obama won't go down as a great president, he may very well go down as the best president. but at this point, he isn't. he hasn't done much of anything in office. to his defense, he's tried. he's tried to alter just about everything i've come to know from our government as long as i've been alive. does our country really need a total overall? yes, our economy has fallen apart, but it was bound to bounce back regardless of who was in office. it's cyclical...kind of like global warming (i'll save this thought for another time).

one other curious thing i discovered which makes this even more unbelievable...check that..not EVEN MORE...but completely unbelievable, guess when the guys that vote for prize have to have their votes turned in by.

februrary 1st.

why is that significant?

barack obama took office on january 20th.

is this laughable yet? maybe this will push you over the edge.

there has been several years where the committee has actually released a few of their finalists. something tells me from this list that we shouldn't put much, if any, stock in who actually wins:

adolf hitler, joseph stalin, benito mussolini.

whoops.

i'm starting to feel a little left out. you know, maybe i should start looking at this as a "glass half full" scenario. maybe I could win he nobel peace prize! you really don't need to actually accomplish anything. you just have to SAY you're going to accomplish something significant...and maybe act half serious while you do (the prize patrol and can see right through your lies). it's really no more difficult than that.

or maybe you could actually make an effort to make this world better. forget awards. forget all the press. forget the attention. be a servant. do what your called to do.

philippians 2: 3-4. do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit, but in humility consider others better than yourselves. each of you should look not only to your own interests, but also the the interests of others.

serve. serve. serve.

i'll close with some good ol' ghandi.

"the best way to find yourself is to lose yourself in the sevice of others."

by the way, ghandi never won the nobel peace prize.

sam walton's alcatraz

what is it about wal-mart that stirs up thoughts of what a prison visit may be like?

tonight i decide to watch a movie (edward scissorhands). i put the movie in, watch a quick making-of featurette, while cleaning up after dinner. i'm getting ready to pop some popcorn when i realize i don't have any candy to put in the popcorn. this is a must, obviously. eating straight popcorn is like eating a handful of thick air...dipped in artificial butter. i start to ponder all the possibilites of what condiment i could purchase to enhance orville's best. i had reese's last time. i've done junior mints. yes! got it. peanut butter m&m's! if you haven't done it...strongly recommended. if you dump the m&m's in right after the corn is popped, the candy coating melts just enough so as soon as it touches your tongue, you are assaulted by a buttery, peanuty explosion of mind boggling proportions.

then, tragically, the m&m yacht traveling down peanut butter river crashes into a tall brick structure. i look up suddenly to find my boat shattered against large, poorly lit, white wall. i get out of the boat and slowly make my way towards the neon humming. "oh great," i think as i turn the corner. they built another wal-mart here!!

"all good dreams die at wal-mart." i heard or read this somewhere. may have been leviticus.

once i realized i had to drive to wal-mart, i just got depressed. i know that more than likely i'll have my hand on my wallet and pay extra special attention to what is going on in my periphery. i'm also planning on being insulted by at LEAST one person, more than likely an employee. i will feel outcast. i will feel like everyone is watching me. i may have a slight migrane followed by a brief stint of nausea as i first pass through the sliding doors into the 2340 watt fluorescent lighting. i know when the greeter says, "hello," he is actually saying in a christian bale-esque batman voice, "why are YOU here? YOU dare come in when I'M working. now i HAVE to say hello to you. YOU! because the economy bombed, i lost half my retirement and since this prison is the only place that has been sued 793 times for discrimination, they HAVE to hire me. I HATE YOU!"

i'm able to get passed him with only a few cuts and bruises. i make my way briskly by the register's while all the employees stare at me like i just punched all their grandmothers.

quick recommendation to all the wal-mart employees out there....well, one in particular. when one of customers buys a product, let's just say it's a movie, that you don't really like, let's say that movie is footloose, it's probably not the best idea to scoff at them and say, "you LIKE this?"

aaaaand moving along.

i get to the candy aisle. i b-line for the m&m's. ok, regular...peanut.....yes! peanut but...wait...what? strawberry peanut butter?? SICK. they actually make that. below the regular m&m's, i see a gap. no. this can't be. i gaze close at the tag. 'peanut butter m&m's.' gone. they are gone.

so, i went to go visit my crazy uncle in prison and i realized he's flown the coop. sweet. so, now all the guards and prisoners are closing in around me out of the shadows. i can hear the footsteps approaching.

i snag a bag of plain m&m's and a movie (national lampoon's vacation) and head towards the exit. i throw my things down on the counter while the inmates begin to lick their chops. fresh meat....

the cashier scans the movie, pauses for a moment and looks up at my terrified eyes. "what are...YOU...doooinng? (gulp) i think. yeah, i'm so scared, i did a mind gulp.

"are you over 17 so you can buy this movie?"

i stare back in awe.

"i'm 27."

"ok."

seriously?

at this point, i don't know which emotion has taken over. fear or confusion. perhaps a few helpings of each wisked together in the batter that was once my mind.

i exit quickly towards my car, parked in between wal-mart and cub, which could very well be the bermuda triangle of creepiness. i feel like I need a can of mace and a whistle...for the bears, or wolves, or dragons, or some crazy hybrid that's crawling out of the sewer.

i hop in my car, and dukes of hazzard it right the heck out of there.

well, i made it home safely.

once i take a shower, i'm going to enjoy the solace of a quiet evening at home....

until i realize i'm out of toothpaste...